A Bittersweet Goodbye

A few days ago I had to say goodbye not just to the place I've come to love but the people who have become family to me. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. A bittersweet goodbye. I lived in India for six and a half years. It was the place I grew up in. The place I first understood God's grace and love for me. The place I was surrounded by people who loved me and encouraged me. The place I called home. Tuesday morning I left that place, for an indefinite time, to return to the US for college. I know moving forward God has great plans for me. He will give me the strength I need, the hope, and He will guide my path. It's still a struggle though. There are so many things I have to learn, to adjust to. So many things I miss more than I ever imagined. In the end though, God is still God. Through it all, I will keep my eyes fixed upon Him. No matter how hard things are.

There is a song that says:

"When no one wants to know you

When no one wants to claim you

When no one wants to look deep in your eyes

When those you love give you up

When those you love hurt you so bad you can't stand to fight back

Well, I've known that darkest hour

That's where I found true love

Jesus lifted me from the dead of night

And He'll never give me up."

Have you experienced hurt like that? Have YOU known that darkest hour? I'm sure if you searched your heart, you'd say yes. You may not even have to search long; something may come to mind right away. You are not the only one though. Others have experienced hurt. Others have experienced a dark hour. 

Few people know this about me, but the stars are magical to me. When I see the stars, I see the beauty of God's creation. I see more than just that though. I see God's love. I see an amazing Father who placed the stars in the sky and knows each by name, but still chose to create me. To create you.

As the sky is overcast tonight and there are no stars visible, I'm reminded of that darkest hour in my life. My entire life was as pitch black as the night sky; as far as I could see, as far as I could run, there was no way out of the dark. There was no way of escaping the hurt I felt deep inside.

It was in that darkness that I found love and grace. God had greater plans than leaving me alone to die in darkness. He became my light and guide, just like the moon in the night sky. He placed others in my life to encourage me and shine by me, just like the stars above. God created something more magical than a starry night in my life. He created a consuming fire of love.

"I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." - Isaiah 42:16

 A close friend, Rachel, whom I've grown up with, blessed me by writing her college application essay about me. This was a huge encouragement and extremely humbling. With her permission I am sharing her essay:

"What does it mean to be inspired? There is the obvious definition that it pushes you to be greater than you believe you can be or to take risks that you would otherwise avoid. Perhaps it is go places that seem beyond reach? Maybe it’s even to leave the safe, satisfying comforts of home and follow your parents to a place half a world away where many languages are spoken and you don’t know any of them. It is these last two that tell the story of an amazing young lady that I have known since I was two years old – Victoria Ward.
Victoria was, and still is, my best friend, my other half, the one person I can tell anything and everything to and I know she will listen and never judge me. She celebrates my accomplishments and comforts me when I'm in pain. She always wants to know how I'm doing and calls as much as possible just to talk. As kids, the two of us were inseparable. We hung out almost every weekend and always found new adventures to go on together. The saying “great minds think alike” described our friendship perfectly. We were always coming up with new and inventive games to play, stories to tell, food to make, and pictures to draw. We did everything from dress-up, to lemonade stands and car washes, to elaborate games of hide-and-go-seek.
Everything was exactly the way it should be and neither of us thought anything would change. We were going to be best friends forever. Then we found out news that would change our lives forever; Victoria was moving half-way around the world to India. I was devastated. I didn't understand why she was being forced to just drop everything and move to an entirely new continent thousands of miles away from all of her friends and family. The day she left was one of the worst days of my life. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I was lost and confused and didn't know what I was going to do now that my other half was an entire ocean away from me.
As I look back on it I realize that many of those emotions and fears were because I was young. But, so was Victoria and yet, she went willingly. She showed a type of bravery I didn't even know was possible but she had it. She had to start her life completely over, something that can hurt some people deeply but Victoria stayed strong through it all. Her attitude inspired me to strive to be like her. I realized if she could stay strong through something as momentous as moving to India then I could stay strong in my own way back at home. It was because of her that I began to branch out and take chances. I learned I had to believe in myself before I could accomplish anything.
After Victoria had been gone for a while we were given the opportunity to travel to India to see her and to work with villages in the surrounding area. I was scared! My Dad was going as well so I knew I would be safe but it meant so much to me that Victoria has already traveled so far and was learning a new culture and fitting in with those around her. While we were there we had a potentially dangerous encounter with some soldiers who threatened to blow up our bus if we didn't leave the village immediately! Victoria and I were so scared! Victoria even started crying and even though she was scared she never once asked to go home because she knew India was where her family belonged. She knew that even though it was frightening she had to stay strong. Right then I learned another lesson from Victoria that continues to inspire me even though this was over seven years ago. If she could agree to stay in India even after being threatened by soldiers with big guns, then I could stay strong back at home with the simple things that were expected of me and the things I wanted to accomplish. What a great friend and what a wonderful example of bravery. Victoria is the best!
That trip meant so much to me. It was more than a week in a country on the other side of the world. As I reflect I realize that it was a crucial step in becoming much more than I ever thought I could be. I could go to far away places and meet people who looked and talked different than me. I could speak about my faith in a way that meant something to someone. If I can handle that then just think about what I can do at home where life is much simpler and safer. Thanks to Victoria she gave me a life changing experience that I will never forget and because of her I have learned what I can do if I just stay strong, open minded, and focused on the things that I am called to do no matter where it might lead me. Victoria continues to inspire me everyday to be a strong, independent person. I know she has been a part of life by design and has been so much more than a friend. I could not be more thankful to have such a blessing in my life."

Thank you, Rachel, for letting God use you and for being a part of my life. I'm praying that God will continue using you to encourage others and make an impact on their life. I love you, girl!

When my heart won’t make a sound

When I can’t turn back around

When the sky is falling down

When hope cannot be found

Give me all the love and peace

Give me something I can be

Give me the way out

Give me the faith I need

When the stars are fading

When I am waiting

When the hard times come

When I can’t feel that You’re around

Give me something brighter

Give me something to sing

Give me the motivation

Give me something I can see

     Over the past several months, as time creeps closer for me to move back to the US, I’ve spent a lot of time wondering about what is to come. I wonder how I will fit into a culture that is no longer part of my life, and that I don’t necessarily fully understand. I wonder what people will think when they find out that music, movies, actors/actresses, comedians, and phrases aren’t something I follow or understand. I wonder if I’ll ever readjust to having the AC everywhere I go, and if I’ll ever think the weather is hot again.

     Honestly, I’ve been afraid, afraid to face all that is to come. I’ve sat around being afraid and worrying about all the things that are yet to come. What have I gained by worrying? Absolutely nothing! Once I realized I gain nothing by worrying, it struck me that I’ve no reason to worry. It isn’t my job to worry, God didn’t create me to sit and worry so much that I scare myself. Instead, He created me to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (Matthew 6:33).

     If I seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, I’ve nothing to lose but everything to gain. I gain the knowledge that my identity is in Him who washed away my sins by His blood. I realize that I, Victoria Ward, am a child of God. When I seek first the kingdom of God, the old goes and the new comes. I’ve no reason to worry anymore because I know who I am in Christ and who He has created me to be.

                Home. That word use to strike up three questions in my mind: Where is home? Is home in the US? Or is home in India? The simple word “home” made me feel so lost, and why couldn’t I figure out the answer to the question? Was it seriously so hard? No, I was just looking in all the wrong places.

                You see, last week I finally figured it out. Home is nowhere on earth. Home isn’t in the US or even India. Home is in heaven with God. I finally really understood the following verse:

“They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them by Your truth. Your word is truth. As You sent Me into the world, I also have sent them into the world. And for their sakes I sanctify Myself, that they also may be sanctified by the truth.” John 17:16-19

I’m not of this world! I, Victoria Ward, am a child of God! My home is in heaven with my Father, not here on earth. The joy of realizing something so simple, was a joy I could not describe.

                So let me ask you this: How often do we get caught up in such confusion and turmoil of the world, that we cannot even realize something as simple as the location of our home? How often do we fail to recognize our identity in God as His children?

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

Sometimes I need to know You hold the stars

But right now I need for You

To be small enough to hold my heart

You’re big enough to change my heart

You’re big enough to save the world

Yet, You still know me

Sometimes I need Your voice to calm the seas

But right now I need for You

To calm the raging storm inside me

As the clouds unleash their darkest wrath

My fears are replaced with doubt

Yet, Your love will outshine

Sometimes I need to know Your arms hold the universe

But right now I need for You

To be a comforting father

The pain is much too real

And the hurt inside is all I feel

Yet, You’ll dry my tears

Sometimes I need Your grace to rescue me

But right now I need for You

To hold me together

You hear my gentle whispers

You see the weight I’m under

Yet , You’ll let this make me stronger