Home. That word use to strike up three questions in my mind: Where is home? Is home in the US? Or is home in India? The simple word “home” made me feel so lost, and why couldn’t I figure out the answer to the question? Was it seriously so hard? No, I was just looking in all the wrong places.

                You see, last week I finally figured it out. Home is nowhere on earth. Home isn’t in the US or even India. Home is in heaven with God. I finally really understood the following verse:

“They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them by Your truth. Your word is truth. As You sent Me into the world, I also have sent them into the world. And for their sakes I sanctify Myself, that they also may be sanctified by the truth.” John 17:16-19

I’m not of this world! I, Victoria Ward, am a child of God! My home is in heaven with my Father, not here on earth. The joy of realizing something so simple, was a joy I could not describe.

                So let me ask you this: How often do we get caught up in such confusion and turmoil of the world, that we cannot even realize something as simple as the location of our home? How often do we fail to recognize our identity in God as His children?

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

Sometimes I need to know You hold the stars

But right now I need for You

To be small enough to hold my heart

You’re big enough to change my heart

You’re big enough to save the world

Yet, You still know me

Sometimes I need Your voice to calm the seas

But right now I need for You

To calm the raging storm inside me

As the clouds unleash their darkest wrath

My fears are replaced with doubt

Yet, Your love will outshine

Sometimes I need to know Your arms hold the universe

But right now I need for You

To be a comforting father

The pain is much too real

And the hurt inside is all I feel

Yet, You’ll dry my tears

Sometimes I need Your grace to rescue me

But right now I need for You

To hold me together

You hear my gentle whispers

You see the weight I’m under

Yet , You’ll let this make me stronger

The pain is much too real

The hurt inside is all I feel

But one day You’ll dry my tears

You hear my gentle whispers

You see the weight I’m under

So let this make me stronger

In these times of trouble

In these times of sorrow

May Your love burn through

     As most of you know, I  have been sick for the last two weeks. If you did not know, then I will quickly fill you in. Two weeks ago I found out that I had E. Coli which had spread into my kidneys. I was immediately started on antibiotics which would be given to me twice a day for five days, all through an IV port which had to remain in my arm during this time period; I was also taking antibiotics orally. After the five days were up we went back to the doctor to find out the E. Coli is still in my system. I have been put on more antibiotics, but they do not really seem to be helping. I am ALWAYS tired, the couch has become my new home, and I've watched more movies in these past two weeks than I've ever seen in my entire life. Although I've been a complete couch-potato, God has still taught me a lot through all of this.

     There has been a few times I have given up all hope on getting well and broken down into tears, but each time God has placed someone there to encourage me. He has let me see the love my grandparents have for me as they have sent prayer requests out frequently. He has shown me the faith my family and friends have that I sincerely long for. Of all the things He has shown me, though, my mind continues to wander back to the encouraging words I've received from others. 

     I've received so many emails with prayers and encouraging words over the past two weeks. I've gotten emails from people who are close to me, people I've never met before, and people in a variety of places around the world. Some of the emails have made me want to cry, others have made me laugh. All of them, though, showed me how God loves me.

     Here is a few messages which really encouraged me to continue trusting God with my health:

And, yes, our group is praying specifically that God will reach down from
Heaven and dip His wonderful finger into your kidney and release all the
ecoli out of your kidney and restore it to health.

Do you believe He could? Do you believe He wants to? Well, my precious
little girl, He can and He wants to. We are holding on to our faith that He
can and will do just that! 

 (Thank you, Mrs. Lee!)

We're so sorry to hear the news. Debbie is exactly right----this precious family has put all their heart into doing God's work there, it's succeeding and the devil hates it. We will kick up our prayers for them, as well as for you who is surely hurting to see their loved ones under attack. Thank you for the update. 

(Thank you, Mr. Carr)

     Yesterday I was listening to a radio station on Itunes that plays wonderful Jazz, Country Swing, and Big Band music. One of the songs that played said, "The Devil works twenty-four hours a day, he never does rest." As I read my cousin Fred's email:

Thanks for the updates. Will forward to my prayer chains and tell them to Turn Volume UP. With God's help we will kick the Devils butt!!!!! 

I not only thought of the phrase above, but I also thought of the famous song The Devil Went Down to Georgia. If you have not heard this song, you are seriously missing out! You see, the Devil went down to Georgia and made a bet with Johnny. Johnny told the Devil he may be good at the fiddle, but Johnny is the best in town. In the end, Johnny beats the Devil.

     Now, I'm not making any bets with the Devil here, but even if I did... I know I would win, because I got one AWESOME God on my side who always has my back. God has a plan and He's already using my sickness to teach me (and hopefully some of ya'll) wonderful things. 

*I thank each of you who have prayed for me. I thank each of you who have asked others to pray for me. And I thank each of you who have encouraged me and my family members.

Words can’t define You

They fail to describe You

You are more than all I can say

Calling out, Your voice is like thunder

Oceans roar at Your changing tide

And the world trembles at Your wonder

Lord, if I could just reach my arms around You

We would dance away the night

And I would never leave Your side

You have emptied my hands

Filled up my heart

And captured my mind

You break me down

You set my heart aglow

Yet in the end, You are more than enough.

One life is all I am

One tear in the dropping rain

One voice in the sea of pain

Stuck here in an ocean, ankle deep

With waves crashing over my feet

And the water is risin’ quick

How long must I pray?

How long must I wait?

How long till I see Your face?

One more person in the sea of faces

One more heart in this broken world

One more cry added to all the chaos

Stuck here in this sea, oh so deep

With the tide rushing over me

And lack of air to breathe

When did love become so unmoving?

When did love become so uncomsuming?

Do you hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One thorn in your crown

One drop of sweat upon Your brow

One nail in Your wrist

Stuck in this life, ashamed and disgraced

With sin in this heart

And barely enough strength to stand

One more person repenting their sins

One more person seeking your grace

One more person down on their knees

Stuck here, broken from within

With sparks flying as light meets the dark

And a new creation is made

Will You hold my heart?

Will You be my every desire?

Will You consume me like a fire?

You, Oh Lord, are all the reasons we have to change.

"...your history is no less important to your survival than your ability to breathe. In the end, you can only determine whether to saturate your memories with pain or with perspective. Forgetting is not an option. I tell you the truth now: Pain was not God's plan for this life. It is a reality, but it is not part of the plan." - Ted Dekker

     Every day, I look back on my past and wonder what things would be like if I'd chosen a different path. If there is a way to make all the pain of my actions disappear. I wonder what it would be like to forget it all, and start anew. However, all these thoughts disappear when I realize that if those things did happen, I would not be ME.

     C.S. Lewis says, "God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way." It's not God who made the choices, it's not God who inflicted the pain upon me, and it was never part of God's plan for me to do those things. He did allow me to do those things though, because if He hadn't I wouldn't have learned.

     Yes, I could have made different choices. Yes, I could have not experienced the pain I did and still do. Yes, things would have been different. No, I would not still be the same person. I would not be ME.

     My history is a part of me, just like my every breath. My history has made me who I am, and causes me to make the choices I do. My history is not something I can change, and it is definitely not something I could/should change. 

     Changing my past would make life much easier at times, I'll admit. Also, I'll admit, my past causes pain. Each morning, though, I can make the choice to hand all that pain to God and let him carry me through the day.

     I can not forget, but I can remember. I can remember, and choose to allow it to help for the betterment of things. I can remember that I am no longer the person I once was, but that without my past I would not be who I was today. Most of all, I can remember that I have been forgiven!

    Remember that your history is a part of you, and makes you who you are today. Remember that you have been forgiven. Remember, and let your remembrance shape who you are each and every day.